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[personal profile] luda
So I watched Der Hobbit yesterday. I wouldn't touch the fandom in even my darkest hours so I dunno what they like to call it for short, but I'm going to call it B5A.

Someone said that apparently this film is the shortest of the trilogy and the rest of the LoTR films, and after this one finished within the first 10 minutes I can totally see why.

Why did they do this? If you were going to do something as major as kill off Smaug before you even displayed the title of the film, couldn't you have fit it into the end of the last film to tie it all off nicely? I could understand the cliffhanger at the end of DoS if they killed Smaug off like halfway through B5A but this was ridiculous. It's like an 80 year old book. Nobody's sitting in that theatre urinating themselves over whether or not Smaug is actually going to be defeated or not. You could have, for example, cut short the bullshit molten gold scene that was both 1) boring as fuck and 2) ridiculous, and just killed off Smaug at the end.

Freeing up 10 minutes in B5A would have provided some extra time to, you know, actually resolve the story correctly. They spend half the movie building up the fact that there is a big ass mountain with a lot of gold that everyone wants to stick their dicks in because Greed Is Bad or whatever and then when the war mysteriously ends (because Thorin killed the big bad orc and Bilbo/Lee Pace's eyebrows/Legolas proceed to not notify anyone of this fact), this gold is never heard of again.

This is honestly the thing that shits me off the most about these huge budget films. The work spend on things like makeup, props, effects etc is  absolutely amazing (and I dare say the heads of these teams are most possibly more talented and creative than the director) and yet they can't even write a fucking complete storyboard/outline properly to ensure the one big plot point the entire 3 hour film is based on is resolved with even a sentence of narrative or something. You could search Fili/Kili incest fisting fic on AO3, call up the author and get them to write the ending and it would at least be properly resolved, moreso than the actual ending (possibly ending in ejaculation, but at least it's some conclusion). It's doubly as frustrating when you have random scenes added in that either don't contribute anything or also don't have no conclusion or follow up. Legolas and Tauriel spend some time travelling to visit an orc stronghold, go 'yep they're sending out war bats which they use exclusively for war, which we know is going to happen anyway'. There's a scene where women, children, the elderly  etc who are holed up in a safe space go "OUR TURN TO FIGHT AND HELP OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!" and are never heard from again, presumably because women are bad at fighting. There's one scene about EARTH WORMS EATING THE EARTH but they're never mentioned again. Where do they go? They don't look like a very sustainable race. Do they poop out more land? They keep bringing up Mr. Monobrow Man and his Greed For Gold and being the only selfish person in the entire human populace because Being Ugly = Bad Person and Greed Is Bad.

I know everyone rags on about how the movies are essentially a CGI film with actors photoshopped in but this shit's been bugging me since DoS. It's funny for a little while about how flagrantly they ignore the laws of physics but after a while you just tune out. Even in a world where magic and metaphysical shit happens, as long as there are some laws or boundaries as to what can happen, the viewer can still be enganged. Here we have drawn out scenes where characters Conveniently fall like ragdolls thrown around by a caffeine-addled 14 year old playing with Gary's Mod into specific positions or places, or characters can suddenly launch themselves and backflip off of falling bits of rubble, or other unprecedented feats of natural law-breaking. It gets to the point where you just tune out because there's no point in being invested in the action anymore- something gravity-defying acrobatics you could not imagine happening is going to happen next, so why bother guessing? These scenes just meander as well- your average videogame cutscene is better directed than this crap. 

Speaking of scenes that meander, that last scene back at the shire fucked me off so bad. It felt like they were building up to something (that something being FRODO CAMEO!), they even show grumpy old fart Bilbo, but nOPE! 


Also, do the residents of Middle Earth not understand inflation?
Also, why did they wait to the third movie to release the coolest thing that has ever happened in this trilogy or the LoTR trilogy (bears riding on eagles)?
Also, that love subplot fukin sux
Also, why does Thranduil go from FUK U LEGOLAS FUK U TAURIEL and then the next time they meet he's suddenly nice to Tauriel?

Why is Lee Pace so attractive? He's the exact kind of guy whose cock I would gladly volunteer to worship on the daily whilst he plays fuckin Angry Birds on his phone or some shit whilst ignoring me.




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luda: i have this saved as 'cool tshirt' on my computer (Default)
luda

December 2015

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